NEW FOR 2006—TOP THEN THINGS KEVIN WILL DO WHILE IN THE UNITED STATES.
10. Marvel that there is only one person ahead of me in the line for the ATM.
9. Use retro missionary techniques for all speaking engagements (complete with weird “native” costumes, a slideshow presentation, and a lengthy rambling greeting in Tagalog).
8. Search the channels in frustration looking for a televised cockfight.
7. Breathe a sign of relief when I realize there are no Tagalog dubbed Korean soap operas on TV.
6. Create a traffic jam by organizing a rally at a busy intersection.
5. Sadly stare at my cell phone and say “walang signal dito eh (no signal here).”
4. Show off my tropical tan and new hairstyle.
3. Wonder why no one is shouting “Hey Joe you’re so white where are you going?”
2. Complain to the grocery store manager about the absence of chocolate flavored toothpaste and papaya soap.
1. Fund next year’s ministry by operating a pirated DVD booth.
Past top ten lists for my USA vacations
THE TOP THEN THINGS KEVIN WILL DO DURING HIS CHRISTMAS VACATION IN THE STATES (2004):
10. Spend two hundred dollars at Walgreens.
9. Buy ten pounds of candy so I’ll have enough pasalubong for everyone when I get back.
8. Annoy my family by giving them all Filipino nicknames, such as ning-ning, g-boy, girlie, tick-boy, yum-yum, mon-mon, papa-japorms, etc.
7. Glare suspiciously at all cold drinks and ask “where did you get this ice?”
6. Wonder why no one is staring at me in the grocery store or mall.
5. Try to go over two days without drinking a slurpee.
4. Demonstrate my Asian sense of etiquette by telling everyone “you’ve gotten fat.”
3. Try to teach my nephew to say “Uncle Kevin” (even though he’ll only be about three months old).
2. Look at our Christmas meal of turkey, ham, dressing, corn, mashed potatoes, rolls, casserole, coconut pie, etc., and say “hey, where’s the rice?”
1. Demonstrate the otso-otso at all of my speaking engagements at churches.
*I’ll explain things for the Americans who have never been here:
-Pasalubong means gifts for friends/family that are expected when you’ve gone away on a trip.
-The otso-otso is a dance that became extremely popular here in ‘2003. I’m pretty sure if I performed it at church I wouldn’t get invited back. Ever.
TOP TEN THINGS KEVIN WILL DO DURING HIS
10. Fearlessly drink large amounts of tap water.
9. Resent paying over a dollar to see a movie.
8. Believe someone if they say “it’s cold today.”
7. Confuse everyone by saying “ano?” instead of “what?”, “musta na?” instead of “how are you?”, and “CR” (short for comfort room) instead of “bathroom.”
6. Drive more than twenty feet without being stuck behind a jeepney, bus, petty cab, or any other form of traffic/traffic jam.
5. Teach my family the efficiency of using a spoon instead of a fork as the primary eating utensil.
4. One Word: Football
3. Eat Chick-filet, Poppa John’s Pizza, and Ben-n-Jerry’s ice cream; possibly all in the same day (or possibly all in the same meal).
2. Try to convince all the ladies that I’m really a hottie back in the
1. Stare at all the white people.